I’ve known this day was approaching for a long time …..

Other people won’t remember what today is and what it should mean.
Other people won’t know what a huge sense of loss and sadness I feel.
Other people won’t understand why I will hold baby girl just a little bit tighter and watch her sleep for a little bit longer.

Other people won’t know that today was my EDD.

Most people who haven’t experienced a miscarriage probably won’t understand why this still plays on my mind or why such a loss warrants such grieving and to be honest before it happened to me neither did I, but the fact is MC raises a lot of what ifs.

My miscarriage happened at 7 weeks on the 25th December 2007….my miscarriage was caused by a car crash the day before. A car crash that cost me more than I realized until recently.

The fact is that MC’s are a horrible part of life and affect each person it happens to in a different way. Some people choose to forget and move on, some people choose to do something to remind them of their child that never was, some people just can’t move on and some people just get angry….

I’ve been all of those people…..some of them I still am.

I’ve been the person who picked myself up and said ‘this wasn’t meant to be- let’s just move on’…so we try again.
I’ve been the person who’s chosen to do something to remember my child that never was.

But…

I still am the person who is angry and can’t move on. I don’t why I am this person but I am and I can’t help it…..Most times I am angry at myself for not protecting my unborn child as a mother should and the what ifs of that day…..other days I’m angry at myself for letting M down, my only job as mother to HIS children is to love and protect them- I failed at this.

Recent events haven’t eased my anger either, rather ignited the sense of loss and sadness that I had at one time began to put to rest. They have though helped me realize that certain things in life shouldn’t be taken for granted and I shouldn’t dwell over the ‘what ifs’ of my life…

Today has made me realize that I am not failure because I have lost an unborn child but a stronger person because I have lived through the loss of an unborn child….

xxxxxxx