Thursday, 21 August 2008

Bad Moods....

Their funny things really, not funny in the sense that you want to laugh uncontrollably....that's a completely different kind of psychotic mood. But they are funny in the sense that you can't always predict when they might occur and just how bad they can floor you...

For example take the creep up on you bad mood. These are just like the unwanted stalker they follow you about watching you go about your daily routines, watch how you're coping, monitor your work load then WHAM bad mood strikes and your completely floored by the unrelenting desire to stab the next fucker person who even dares to cross your path! These types of moods are tricky to combat and can often be triggered by a chain of small events and then pushed over the edge by an unsuspecting spouse or work colleague.

Another type of bad mood is the "get up on the wrong side of bed mood". These are worse than the first because you often just can't pin point why your in a bad have your suspects i.e your grotty brat child waking you up in the middle of the night for just one more drink of water or your blanket stealing spouse who's still comfortably snoring away in bed while your getting up at some godly hour...but you have no firm culprits. The only firm thing you have is knowing that this bugger will be sticking around all day.

However the WORST bad mood by far is the PMS bad mood that just every fricking person you cross will soon come to realise you have should they not get stabbed of course..

At present i am suffering from PMS bad mood except there's nothing "pre" about it aunt flou is knocking at my door as we speak and unpacking a trunk load of crap that i just don't need and to be honest I'm about ready to go to town on her old ass!!! What pisses me off more is not only has she ignored my begging and pleading of two weeks ago to not come again for at least 9 months but she has purposefully chosen to bring with her cramping from hell and spots that would make a dalmatian proud!!!

So what do i hear you cry was the point of my post????

Well if you hear on the news that some mental woman is holding a bunch of people hostage and her only demands are paracetamol, chocolate and a hot water better warn someone they better get them quick or some f*cker is going to die!!!


Thursday, 14 August 2008

A letter from mummy to jelly bean aka baby girl

Dear Jelly Bean

Mummy knows that you are going through a difficult time in your life at the moment; the prospect of turning 3 is scary for anybody and the voices hormones u must be experiencing must be scary for you and mummy appreciates this and is here for you. But if you continue to spread your shit poo poo up my walls i will make you live at the bottom of the garden with the BUGS!!

Now i appreciate that this may seem harsh at your tender age and i know that you were only painting a man and i promise if you turn out to be a famous artist i will scold myself for dampening your artistic streak at such a young age. But the fact is mummy really doesn't like it as it makes your room smell really bad, gets under your nails, its difficult to get out of the carpet and to be honest makes me wanna vomit.

So as fun as you've found it and believe me mummy has seen the 'funny side' too PACK IT THE FUCK IN!!!!!!!!

All my love and kisses

Mummy bean

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

I’ve known this day was approaching for a long time …..

Other people won’t remember what today is and what it should mean.
Other people won’t know what a huge sense of loss and sadness I feel.
Other people won’t understand why I will hold baby girl just a little bit tighter and watch her sleep for a little bit longer.

Other people won’t know that today was my EDD.

Most people who haven’t experienced a miscarriage probably won’t understand why this still plays on my mind or why such a loss warrants such grieving and to be honest before it happened to me neither did I, but the fact is MC raises a lot of what ifs.

My miscarriage happened at 7 weeks on the 25th December 2007….my miscarriage was caused by a car crash the day before. A car crash that cost me more than I realized until recently.

The fact is that MC’s are a horrible part of life and affect each person it happens to in a different way. Some people choose to forget and move on, some people choose to do something to remind them of their child that never was, some people just can’t move on and some people just get angry….

I’ve been all of those people…..some of them I still am.

I’ve been the person who picked myself up and said ‘this wasn’t meant to be- let’s just move on’…so we try again.
I’ve been the person who’s chosen to do something to remember my child that never was.


I still am the person who is angry and can’t move on. I don’t why I am this person but I am and I can’t help it…..Most times I am angry at myself for not protecting my unborn child as a mother should and the what ifs of that day…..other days I’m angry at myself for letting M down, my only job as mother to HIS children is to love and protect them- I failed at this.

Recent events haven’t eased my anger either, rather ignited the sense of loss and sadness that I had at one time began to put to rest. They have though helped me realize that certain things in life shouldn’t be taken for granted and I shouldn’t dwell over the ‘what ifs’ of my life…

Today has made me realize that I am not failure because I have lost an unborn child but a stronger person because I have lived through the loss of an unborn child….


Tuesday, 12 August 2008

'They never said it would be easy. They just said it would be worth it'

Motherhood is tough, even more so when you are not a natural mother......I am not, rather a mother by trade...i live it, work it and have become it.

I am not one of these people who was born to become a mum, i never "mumsied" anyone, the fact is i fell pregnant and became one and i don't know how it happened- motherhood not the pregnancy that is.

The truth is before baby girl i was never a "kid person"... i never wanted to work with them, i never wanted to particularly hold them or play with them and i rarely cooed over them. Don't get me wrong I'd never run away screaming from them either ....i just didn't really have any interest in having one. So what happened? A drunken valentines night with M in 2005 happened and hey presto 9 months later baby girl happened!!! From then on i became a mother to someone......

I'm not gonna lie to you either its not been easy and as the title says "they never said it would be". i didn't feel that massive rush of love when she was placed on my chest rather a massive rush of what the hell do i do now???? I openly admit that i didn't like getting up in the middle of the night to have a little person sucking on my nipples till they were raw. I also didn't enjoy the countless nappy changes or being puked on. But i did it because well, it would be worth it in the end.

But then one day when it was just the two of us cuddled in the bath all that changed; i felt that rush of love. she was no longer just my responsibility or the person that kept me awake most of the night she was my daughter she was the light of my life, she was the person I'd give my life to protect, she was my proudest achievement she was the person I'd kick M out of bed for- everything became worth it.

As times gone by...

I have found that some days the "easy" parts are far and few between especially as Baby girl is not an easy child. She was NEVER an easy going baby either, rather an always on the go one who would rather be investigating and finding something interesting to destroy than sit still and basically be STILL.

Some days the "easy" parts don't exist....some days baby girl really likes to test the 'worth it in the end categories'.....these days just recently have involved Sh*t being spread up my walls and sometimes even eaten, these treats to do not resemble anything along the lines of worth it....

And so the quote...

Is motherhood easy? Not in any sense of the word.
Is it worth it in the end? Absolutely.


Monday, 11 August 2008

The Virgin blogger

Well as the title suggests this is my 1st time....well what can i say???

Maybe i should tell u about the terribly exciting life i lead as a skydiving extreme ironing champion...or how i once climbed Mount Everest single handed with nothing but a can of red bull and a special K energy bar......or the time i saved an enitre family from a burning building whilst my leg was in plaster.....or how i'm a very talented writer who's currently writting my 3rd novel????

Well I'd love to but none of those things are true I've never been skydiving I'm actually scared of heights, i rarely iron unless its absolutely necessary and letting the clothes "hang" just wont cover it!! I've never climbed Mount Everest- to be honest i get tired climbing my stairs most days. The family saving thing...I've never broken my leg :( And as for being a talented writer the one thing you will DEFIANTLY come to learn if u decide to stick around that is, is that i am not a talented writer.....I'm spelling is awful, my mind is always blocked and to be honest i lack anything resembling an imagination unless of course when reading other peoples work then the pages just jump alive in my brain :-P

So why a blog i hear u cry???? Well sometimes a girl just needs a place to vent, laugh, cry and basically just dump all the crap that clogs my brain...... and so a blog was born!!!

It may be of benefit to set out some guidelines of what to expect both of you as my readers and me as the blogger.....

  1. Expect a lot of my posts to basically be whining, bitching rants about my ever so boring life.
  2. My posts will always be grammatically incorrect and often full of spelling mistakes- this can be blamed on spell check not doing its job to my satisfaction....


  1. You will be expected to read said whining, bitching rants without exceptions and offer support, advice and money when requested.

So there we go here's to a long and happy blogging life together!!!